Esther's Diary
by Lady Francesca Pendragon
Summary: Esther Hargrave's diary beginning with her first glimpse of Helen. A Tenant of Wildfell Hall Fanfiction.


February 10th 1822

Mr Huntingdon arrived at Grassdale today with his new wife. I watched it from the top of Grove hill with Milicent. Mrs Huntingdon is so very beautiful that I felt sorry for Milicent on account of her simple looks but I'm sure Mrs Huntingdon is no where near as sweet and nice and kind as my sister, indeed, I believe nobody could be, and by the by I think it is a lucky escape as I believe mama had her eye on Mr. Huntingdon for Milicent but Milicent said that though she thought him nice enough when they met in London she didn't like him as a companion for herself.

February 15th

I have not met Mrs Huntingdon yet and it is very provoking for I'm so curious! Milicent has already met her of course ,last season, when Mrs. Huntingdon was still Miss Lawrence . I have asked Milicent so many questions about her that she is quite fatigued with them, she says that Mrs Huntingdon, or 'Helen' as she calls her, is very nice and charming, but I can't discover much else.

Walter is still away and I miss him awfully, why won't he just come home and spend his time with his family instead of staying for months on end with his friends in town, surely me and Milicent are better company. Miss Posy taught me french verbs all day, I could hardly stay awake it was so boring! Well, I should go to bed now, au revoir!

March 25th

Millicent will leave for London next week and I will by left all alone with Miss Posy, the thought makes me so miserable, everyone is leaving me, first Walter and now Millicent and mama. It isn't Millicent's fault of course, she can't help going for mama is bent on it, and I know why; she hopes to have Millicent married now that Arthur Huntingdon is wed and thinks that in London she will find a suitable suitor, I hope she doesn't because I cannot do without my dear Milicent. I wish I could go with them, London sounds so exciting I don't see why I cant come. Oh well, I shall do my best to dissuade them.

April 3rd

Mama has left for London and taken Millicent with her! I tried in vain to stop their going, but neither gentle persuasion nor more lively protestations did anything for my cause, and what's worse is that I now feel very selfish because Millicent has left with a heavy heart for worrying about me and when I kissed her goodbye I could swear she was crying though she said she wasn't. Miss Posy has been very pleasant towards me no doubt to try and console me and she can be very agreeable company when she wants to be.

8th April

I thought I might as well write some more as I have nothing much to do right now.

I have heard that the Huntingdons have also left for London ,which just does it! Now I truly am alone; the whole neighbourhood have decided to take themselves off to town and I and Miss Posy are left to fend for ourselves in an empty house and to look out onto the deserted Grassdale manor!

20th April

Myself and Misd Posy are getting on very well together and lessons feel rather more pleasant than usual, we are becoming quite good friends, though there are still some things we disagree on. For instance, last Sunday when I was on my way to Church I noticed that Beth ,who is the sister of our stable boy, was walking on her own. She is only one year older than me and we get on very well together so I joined her and asked after her brother Tom, and then she told me a very sweet little story about her mother's cat and its new born kittens and said she would give me one if I only asked Tom to bring them to the stables one day. We carried on talking very merrily until we reached Church but on leaving it I was prevented from rejoining her and continuing the tête à tête by Miss Posy who took my hand tightly in hers and ,when we were a decent distance from the holy place, began to accost me, saying that to walk with servants and labourers was to ' degrade myself' and then muttered something else about what my mother would say but that part she said to herself in french, her native tongue, so I didn't understand it well enough to recount it. I can't comprehend why a governess should be so wary of people hardly lower than herself but perhaps she fears that she will disobey mama and lose her place.

I happened to see Tom yesterday when I was walking on my own in the meadow at ,the back of our house, he had just finished helping the groom with the horses and at my request walked with me for a while. Our conversation consisted mainly of Milicent for whom it seems he has a particular preference. " Are you well Tom?" said I,

" Aye miss, very, and you miss?" he replied, I told him I was also well and he began to enquire after Milicent. I answered him as best I could as I only had the information I had received in her letters: she was well, rather enjoying London but also missed the Grove and hoped to return soon. This seemed to satisfy him and we parted at the gate.

—

A letter from Milicent.

'Dear Esther

I hope you are well and enjoying yourself, I miss you very much and Mama sends her love. I think you may receive a letter from Walter soon for I told him to write to you more often.

London is as busy and lively as ever, I long for the quiet of the Grove but I suppose it is good to have a change of place now and again. I am glad to say that Helen has joined me in London, I am rather less glad to say that her husband is with her, he frightens me every time he comes near me; he is so overbearing. His friends are not much better, Mr Huntingdon and Mama seem very eager to introduce me to them, particularly Mr Hattersley, you may have heard Walter mention him before for he is also one of Walter's companions ( I wish Walter would spend less time with such people because he is so much better than all of them and he deserves better company). Mr Hattersley is attentive and polite to me but there is something about his kind and pleasing air that seems affected and I am afraid of what lies beneath. He is quite wealthy and though I do not encourage his attentions mama certainly does, I hope she does not wish to make a match of us for we are quite unsuited.'

Poor Milicent! I am sure that she should not encourage anybody even the most delightful man in the world; she is so very timid.

—

I have just received the most awful letter from Milicent. I cannot believe it! How could mama be so cruel. I shall write it down so that I may cry over it forever!

'My dear Esther

I know that you will not like what I have to say and I am sorry for it, but I can see no way out. It seems that I am engaged to . I do not know quite how it came about , I tried to tell Mama that I did not accept him but she tells me that I have and he acts like I have. Oh Esther, what have I done? I do not love him, I do not like him, however I shall learn to. I will not be unhappy with him for I shall try to remedy his faults, and he has a large fortune which will leave more money for mama to take care of you. Don't be upset by this for though I must leave the Grove when I am married I shall visit often and Helen has promised me that she will come to see you in my absence. I think we will return home soon so we can talk then, please do not be angry with me, and though I have made the decision to marry without love it is not what I want for you so do not follow my example. Please dispose of my last letter, I should not like the opinions I expressed to be down in writing for they are not honourable and I wish to form only the best opinions of my future husband and do not want you to dislike him.

Your affectionate sister,

Milicent '


End file.
